Table Of Contents

Forever Loving You

by Eric Muss-Barnes

Copyright Page
Dedication Page
Prologue
Body
Biography
Other Books by Eric Muss-Barnes
Colophon
Backcover

Copyright © 1991-2013 Eric Muss-Barnes. All Rights Reserved.

All rights reserved under the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention For The Protection Of Literary And Artistic Works. The author of this book, Eric Muss-Barnes, secures all rights to this book, including the right to reproduce this book in whole or in part, in any form whatsoever, and extends such privileges to absolutely no other parties, individuals or companies. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, in whole or in part, by any electronic, mechanical, or other means including, but not limited to, all existing and yet to be invented information duplicating, storage or retrieval systems, without specific permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages.

Cover photo of Eric Muss-Barnes by Mike Rozack Jr., Summer 1993

Author photo of Eric Muss-Barnes by Star Foreman, June 2005

Cover designed and created by Eric Muss-Barnes

For More Information Please Visit: www.Forever-Loving-You.com

Donations

Dear Reader,

As a writer, the most important reason I publish my books is so good folks like yourself can read and enjoy them. Therefore, in order to make my writing available to the largest possible audience, I have decided to make all of my ebooks available for whatever price readers think is fair.

Here is how it works...

You can download any of my ebooks for free and donate money for it later. Instead of having a set cover price, you can visit www.DubhSithInk.com and give whatever you think this ebook is worth. $1.00 or $5.00 or $50.00 or $18.63 or a nickel. Anything you want. Only you can decide how much value my writing brings your life.

If you can't afford to pay for this ebook, simply share a copy with people in your life who would enjoy the story. Some friends. A few family members. A couple coworkers. Anybody you like. Or perhaps, you might be kind enough to write a glowing review for this ebook on the Internet? Whatever helps my writing gain a larger readership is just as generous as a monetary donation.

Perhaps I am naive in thinking I can earn a living by giving away my stories and requesting donations, instead of selling this ebook for a set price. Nevertheless, in a world where greed and digital piracy has divided people into thieves and misers, I believe readers will gladly spend hard-earned money to support writers who pen worthwhile tales. I believe you are exactly that sort of reader, and I humbly hope you will regard me as that kind of writer.

Thank you for your time. May your few short hours spent with this story enrich all the remaining decades of your life.

Respectfully,
Eric Muss-Barnes
www.DubhSithInk.com

This book is dedicated to my first unborn child.
I'm sorry to say, you will most likely never exist.
If this book truly reflects
my understanding of love and romance,
neither one of us stand a chance.

Prologue

Once upon a time, this poetry book was going to be called “In This Harsh World... Draw Thy Breath In Pain”, which is a line from Hamlet by William Shakespeare.

That sounded like a good title when I wrote this stuff 20 years ago.

Back then, I took myself waaaaaay too seriously.

Everything in this book was written between 1991 and 1997.

Sometime in 1993, there were open auditions to be cast in a new show on MTV, and I needed a picture of myself to send with my application. Since I had no recent pictures, I bought a cheap disposable camera and went to the park with my friend Mike Rozack, so he could shoot some photographs for me.

I never got on MTV.

However...

When my friend Mike Bostwick saw the resulting photo on the cover of this book, he laughed at me and said, “What the hell is that? Who do you think you are, Michael Bolton? This looks like your album cover of rock ballads. 'Eric Muss-Barnes... Forever loving you!'”

All the more hilarious, because I've never been a musician.

We laughed for about 5 minutes.

He said it in this deep, slow, dramatic voice, like it was some sort of television commercial, “Eric Muss-Barnes... Forever loving you! Order your copy today!”

Brilliant. I just couldn't stop laughing.

Twenty years later, it hit me. That photo does need to be a cover!

Not for an album of rock ballads, but for my poetry book!

Even the title is perfect! Forever loving you? That's hysterical! Yes!

Thanks to Rozack for the picture, and Bostwick for the title.

These poems are unedited, stream-of-consciousness/off-the-top-of-my-head creations. Therefore, most of the poetry really sucks. Just like most rock ballads. I don't think you'll want to buy this book. If you have already, heck, I tried to warn you. Had I kept the pretentious Hamlet-esque title for the book, it may have tipped you off to its lack of substance.

In addition to poetry, the end of this book also contains a lot of little quotes, axioms, and words of wisdom in the form of little proverbial one-liners. Not poetry as such. They're just little sayings I composed over the years as inspiration struck. They're a bit like fortune cookies, smugly written by a twenty-something know-it-all. I have them scattered throughout notebooks at home and I thought I'd compile them here. 90% of those are lame too.

We always consider authors to be proud of any work they have published. We figure, they worked on it really hard. Revised. Rewrote. Reedited. And even if they're a horrible writer, we should at least respect the integrity of their intrepid attempt at creating something meaningful. After all, what kind of jackass would release something they were unhappy with?

Well, I would.

And this is it.

I freely admit, 99% of this book is pretty embarrassing.

Why then would I publish it?

Because if there is one thing I have learned about writing, it is the simple fact that anything can find a fanbase. Look at some of the horribly-written books which become bestsellers! Plus, nothing I've composed is any worse than something you'd read in a shopping mall giftshop. Tons of people think that crap is profound.

If you love William Butler Yeats, this book will make you vomit.

If you love greeting cards, this book will be seen as a masterpiece.

All a question of perception.

They also say you should write from the heart.

Well, I did.

Even though much of this book is trite and contrived, that isn't the most embarrassing part. The most embarrassing part? I really meant all the stuff I've written in here. Fresh out of my teens, these really were my deep, sincere, heartfelt emotions. I'm no Yeats, but I was genuine.

Thus, knowing that anything can find a fanbase and knowing, nauseating as it may be, it was all written from the heart, I figured it might be worthwhile to share with the world.

At best, maybe some of these poems will inspire you or express feelings that you haven't been able to articulate.

At worst, maybe you'll be able to get a good laugh from the musings of a miserable, Robert Plant-haired, pathetic-excuse-for-a-poet, douchebag like myself. (Don't worry. I lost the 1975 Robert Plant hair in 2005 or so, and went with Johnny Depp locks instead.)

As the former Hamlet/Shakespearean-stolen title implies, or states quite plainly, these poems are mostly about pain. And, as most poems are, they deal mostly with the sorrows of broken hearts and lost loves. Consequently, the poems become increasingly self-indulgent, tedious, redundant, and downright cringe-inducing. Not all the poems are about relationships. It just so happens that most are. And it seems lovers make the best (and worst) poets of all. These little sonnets were usually penned when I was revoltingly chipper or revoltingly miserable over some girl or another. So, if you reading this happen to be too damn happy (or too damn gloomy) for those around you, because of your current “relationship” situation, maybe you'll like a word or two I've writ in here. The best part is, when you find a good one, you can steal these poems and rewrite them in a handwritten letter to your love, and he/she will never be the wiser! After all, let's face it, this book isn't going to sell more than about 5 copies. Nobody will ever discover you stole your poetry from a book! You can pretend you wrote it yourself! You crazy stalker!... Nobody ever understands you, do they? You poor soul.

- Eric Muss-Barnes

January 2013

Once I had a fear

Of sorrow and of pain

Then I learned

that the fear caused the pain

And the pain caused the sorrow

So I tried to touch you

And the fear went away

*****

I cried when I feared

We could be in love

and you would leave

Then I laughed

Because love never leaves

*****

For so long I walked

I walked on

Alone

And when I looked up and saw you

Out of nowhere

You smiled and took my hand

And for awhile

I did not walk alone

*****

Before I saw you

I'd cry

Thinking we'd never meet

but then I found you

and the tears became sweet

Honey

from joy

*****

You came to me as a friend

You left me as a love

and I hurt

Because I never lost the love

I only lost the friend

*****

I tried saying what I felt

But I tripped over words

As tears washed my lips

I tried to write

what I felt

But the words only blurred

as tears moistened the page

So you never knew before you were gone

what I thought

what I felt

I couldn't say I loved you

But just this once

maybe that would've been

the easiest thing to say

*****

There are times that we wish

could go on forever

There are feelings we have

which we never want to die

But forever is only now

And death is only a change

Change always comes

and yet

we always have here and now

That goes on

Forever

*****

Winter consumed my soul for eternity

but I turned around one time

and saw my tracks in the snow

Staring, I'd learn where I'd been

and in time

It was Spring once more

*****

The anticipation of joy

can be far more painful

Than the anticipation of sorrow

*****

All this time

I'd call my pain "loneliness"

Until that day

When I stared into the pond

And seeing my reflection for the first time

I found you standing behind me

Learning

That you'd been there all the while

*****

Tears do not wash our pains away

drown us in them

Words that do not soothe our hearts

chafe them

Hearts that do not share our tears

or a soothing word

are not hearts

that share our love

*****

It was not easy

to look into your eyes

to see Life spark within them

and to know

You were not the one

That I would share that with

*****

When I felt our love

fading away

And the pain of losing you

became greater than that old pain

of having no one

I tried all I could

to save what we had

But in the end

Clung only to memories

*****

There were times when I believed

That what we had

would never die

It would never end

But time passed on

Days to months

To years

And I spoke to you little

And saw you less

Every now and again

I think of you

and our times together

our times of sharing

of laughter

And of a love we named "friendship"

And I recall that I was right

Because what we had

Is still alive

*****

Meeting someone

upon this journey

to call them friend

and wish them lover

Brings true sorrow

when we see our journey

forcing us to only be friends

*****

Please speak gently

when addressing my heart

Use only a caress

when touching me close

I can only hear your laughter

when you call my name

Whisper your love

in any of the words that say it

Please speak

gently unto my heart

softly unto my flesh

* * *

You reached out to me

when I needed a friend

You held me

when I needed to be held

In those instances

We shared moments

when we were the only ones in the world

You walked

ever so lightly

with gentle kisses through my heart

where so many rudely trampled

A single flower have you become

A single flower

In a barren soul

The Sands of Time

will never smother you

Always shall you bloom

A rare beauty

In a lonely boy

*****

Once

I thought we shared

a love for one another

I cried when I thought I was wrong

and such love had never been

But I wanted only to die

when I remembered it was

and had simply

vanished away

*****

Life bears gifts

we must take them

and cherish them

as memories

Often we fail to cherish them

as the "presents" they are

We fail to recognize them

until they're "pasts"

*****

A goodbye is never easy

to give to a friend

And never necessary

*****

Though our time together was short

and ended

oh, so soon

I will never forget

the laughter you gave me

the tears

you unknowingly wiped away

the loving touch of your lips

the gentle warmth

of holding each other

And I'll always cherish

those few hours of loving

sharing what we said was friendship

Yet wishing

mutually I hope

that we'd call it love

*****

Someone asked me

why I was crying

I said it was because

I miss you

They said I hardly knew you

so why should I cry

But then I cried harder

because I missed you

even more

*****

We often think

think finding someone like ourselves

is difficult

and painful a quest

But one day we learn

it's not the finding that hurts

but the losing

*****

Times we spent together

have become fleeting images

flashes of memories in my mind

Like dreams

And when I say

I love you

I hear them laugh

and say our time together

were not enough

to call it love

But my mind has blurred the memories

so that you were real

But have become

The Girl of my Dreams

*****

I once vowed

never to lead a Life

that taught regrets

But how can I say

I regret our time together

even though we both knew

it would end

too quickly

My memories

will preserve our time

And those moments we shared

not the moments we've lost

are the things I will never regret

*****

If a Life of Loneliness

It's easy to begin to wonder

if you were ever real

Are you a dream

or a dream come true

My heart shouts

that you were a dream come true

But my loneliness calls out

That you were merely a dream

*****

A single tear of joy

Destroys a thousand tears of sorrow

*****

When I found you

It was as if

You'd walked straight out of my heart

Then we talked

And I got the courage

and the faith

to let you back in

Once you came to me

I knew

You were what was missing

For you the part of my Life

which filled my heart

*****

It's never easy

to say goodbye

When we want to say

"Don't go"

*****

Never did I want to shed a tear

when you'd gone away

For I felt

if I cried

It was goodbye

and you'd never return

So I bid you farewell

Saying I'd see you soon

But when I turned away

A tear

rolled down my cheek

I looked back

And you were already gone

*****

My memory of you

is not blurry because you made no impression

on my Life

But rather

Because I can only see you in my mind

And tears always wash over

your image

*****

I have a picture of you

that I've looked at a thousand times

and kissed

a thousand more

But I see it

only when I close my eyes

And I'm surrounded

in Darkness

*****

Holding you

on a rock

in the brook

Bathed in starlight

surrounded by fireflies

Together

I tried to return there

But I was alone

once more

*****

I fell into eyes

that were kissed by rainbows

Into the smile of an angel

And into the arms of love

It was heaven

Until we had no choice

But to let each other go

*****

My greatest fear

used to be

that you'd forget

All about me

That you'd never look back

and remember

the times we spent

together

But sometimes I think

that my greatest fear

would be for time to cause me

to forget about you

instead of the other way around

To this day

after all this time

has flown between us

I've yet to forget you

*****

When you told me

about your grief

I was alone

Crying for you

in the rain

The Darkness

And though I feel regret

and the burden of responsibility

I vow

To protect you

from this day hence

from all such grief

ever touching you again

*****

In your gaze

I feel wanted

In your embrace

I feel loved

Within you

I feel

*****

There'll be times

When I'll bring you pain

When I'll disappoint you

When I'll let you down

When I'll turn laughter

to tears

And before such times arrive

I ask you humbly now to forgive me

For never will I deliberately cause you pain

or bring you to sorrowful tears

Never will I mean to let you down

or disappoint you

But I have been both cursed and blessed

in that I am human

Being human

I will make mistakes

But my love for you

shall never cease

*****

I would not love you

for a million years

Not until the mountains crumble

nor until the seas turn to dust

I would not love you

until the stars drop from the heavens

or until the final sunset

I would not love you till the end of time

For my love for you

knows no bounds

Neither endless time

nor even death itself

can vanquish my love for you

Know that I love you

Now

And always

Beyond time

beyond death

a love stronger than all that is

Beyond even Life itself

*****

I tried so hard

over and over again

to write words

That told the world

of my feelings for you

I'll compare your eyes

to rainbows

I'll compare your laughter

to a giggling brook

I'll call your voice

that of a songbirds

But such comparisons

only frustrate me more

For you far excel all these things

and comparing you to them

belittles you

So perhaps the best I can do

is to say that you make me see these things

and appreciate them once again

You

Have Not Only Restored

But You Are

My Passion

For Life

Sunshine

Rainbows

Laughter

Joy

Love

*****

I feared to let you in

and show you my heart

Because by letting you in

I was also giving my heart

And whenever I've given my heart

it's always returned to me

with blood upon it

Blood

that has been crushed out of it

*****

So certain was I

after the short hours with you

that I'd see you again

that we'd talk

and laugh

and live

and share

and love once more

Never did I dream

that we'd only have

our one day together

*****

I was told

that I must resent

how you treated me

For you left my life

Just as I'd begun to care for you

The way you treat me

doesn't inspire resent

It gives me joy

to recall your tenderness

And it is for those memories

that I could never resent you

I am instead overjoyed

that you touched my heart

healed my soul

and entered my life

At all

*****

I wondered if I would shatter

when you left my life

Now that you're gone

I don't feel much of anything

except for a hole of nothingness in my heart

I suppose that's called

Missing You

But it seems as if

that hole had been there

all along

*****

I dreamed of you so often

of a love

that was beyond words

Where we'd have to say

no words

to best express

our feelings for each other

I never knew

what a fine line

there is

between speaking without words

and having the misunderstanding

of you thinking

that I didn't care

because I said

Nothing

*****

I would be a liar

if I were to say

that you'd brought me no grief

that you'd brought me no pain

For, sadly, you have

But do not fear

that I hate you for it

or despise you

or wish you gone from my life

You said you still love him

and that did hurt

But how can I hate you

for that

How can I hold your love for another

against you

I cannot

However

I do hold the grief

I do hold the pain

In time

I hope to let them go

And hold only my love

for you

*****

You have been a blessing

in a life I thought cursed

You have been hope

in a world of hopelessness

You are starlight

in the darkness

and you are life

And in being such

You

And you alone

are the reason

for which I live

*****

After so many years

my quest to find a heart

of kindness

of purity

of wit

of wisdom

of life

of love

is now complete

And never would I have guessed

that just when I'd slowed my quest

from a run to a standstill

You would wander accidentally

into my lonely arms

tired from a like journey

*****

Thou art more enchanting

than a dew-covered summer morning

Thou art more fair

than the winters snow

You are

The Princess of All Seasons

lovelier than the grandest day

and Empress of My Heart

*****

Was it so long ago

when I looked into your eyes

and saw within them

the spirit

of the girl I loved

I ask you

Was it so long ago

When I wanted to see you

every moment of the day

When I wanted to hold you

every hour of the night

How long has it been

since I've wanted us to share

all that we are

and all that we've become

to sit with you

and talk all day long

to catch up on all we've done in our lives

I can not recall

How long I've needed you

It was so long ago

that I felt the emptiness

of missing you from my life

For in my heart and soul

I've searched for you

since the day I began this lifetime

*****

You were the one

the one I shall never forget

the one I shall always care for

the one I shall have a special place for

in my heart

and in my mind

You were the one

the one whom I loved

before any other

one whom I lost nothing to

but gained

Lifelong memories

*****

Some vow to love

for a million years

until kingdoms fall

until mountains crumble

until seas turn desert

Not I for love means more to me

For one day

a million years will come to pass

new men will rule

mountains will be dust

and seas shall run dry

And when such days arrive

their love will fade

and wither like a mortal flower they would

pledge their devotions upon

But my love for you

I vow upon everything

of flowers dying

and flowers blooming

Upon the mountains

and the dust of which they are made

I vow my love unto you

before and after life

before and after death

beyond all this is

all that was

all that will be

and all that might have been

I vow to love you eternally

That

is what those words

mean to me

*****

I never knew

that what I'd done

could hurt you so

I had no idea

And had I known

I would've never done it

at all

*****

Whom might I be

to pledge my love to you

to vow my loyalty

to swear my soul to yours

I am but a mortal boy

ever unworthy of your gaze

let alone

your love

Never could I hope

to call you my own

to call you my love

For your spirit

and your beauty

make me ever recall

That I am but a mortal boy

a boy who could never hope

to win your angelic heart

I am not worthy of you

enough for me to even

walk under the same stars

But as I do

All I can say to you

Is thank you

for ever granting having known you

at all

*****

My life was a dream

until we met

Nothing was real

Nothing had substance

Nothing really mattered

And once you came along

I suddenly found

That everything

had begun to matter

Everything had substance

Because out of all that has ever been

in my life

You are the only thing

That has ever been real

*****

When you said

being with me was wonderful

My heart soared

When you smiled at me

You warmed my soul

When you said

you love being with me

I wanted to cry

When you said

it was good to hear my voice again

I could've touched the stars

When you kissed me

My world was complete

And when you said you needed time

I became willing to wait for you

as I am to this day

*****

I felt cheated when we met

we knew from the beginning

Fate had cheated us

and forced us to meet too late

At a time when we had not long

to be with one another

But I know now

that it was we who cheated Fate

for ordinarily

the malice of Fate

would've never allowed us to meet at all

But we did meet

and we did love

if only for a short time

and our memories of our times

are eternal

*****

What words could ever hope

to be more poetic

than "I love you"

*****

We learned that day

I of you

And you in turn of me

We laughed

and at times nearly cried

It was a glorious day

of song and excitement

of smiles and adventure

of fun and serenity

of joys rarely dreamed

I will remember that day

A day when even the silent times

were comforting

and not uneasy

It was a day opened with a loving grin

and sealed

with a gentle kiss

*****

Almost

I say over and over again

whenever my thoughts

turn to you

Couldn't we have almost been wonderful together

We almost had a great romance

Almost

Things almost worked out

I almost fell in love with you

Almost

Your heart holds

a rare capacity

for genuine, true friendship

It is because of that

our relationship will last forever

But there was a time

when our friendship turned romance

and when I look back upon that time

I find myself saying

Almost

*****

She said

we were going to be

wonderful together

And when our time had come

I found

she was right

It's not that I disagreed

It's that I never knew

how truly wonderful

wonderful could be

*****

I shared with you

my body

and my mind

While keeping with me

my heart

and my soul

That was unfair

and I know you deserve more

So I open my soul

and give a piece of my heart

For now

I can only give a little of each

because so few

have ever cherished such gifts

when I'd given them

I pray you won't discard them

for I have nothing of more value

in all the world

to ever give

to you

*****

My life is a dream

since I met you

You have become my sun

With you

colors are brighter

the world is quieter

and life itself is more fun

*****

I never wanted

to make you cry

So when I did

I had to cry too

And knowing that I caused your tears

made my own

burn all the more

I would get down

upon my hands and knees

to beg of you

your forgiveness

But I am not deserving of it

nor am I worthy enough to ask

I had hurt you

therefore I no longer have any right

to have you in my life

But if by some miracle

there might be tears

you would shed

over losing me

and those tears

would burn more than the others I'd given

Then

if such a miracle occurs

Then

I ask you to please forgive me

For never did I want

to make you cry

*****

I so anticipate your return

to see your smile

hear your laugh

feel your embrace

and all its warmth

My dear friend. . .

Oh, how I do anticipate your return

I miss you with every fiber of my spirit

which tells me we're always together

Sleep well my angel

Sleep well dear friend

*****

I was told

that you would not love me

And when those words were said

I had to cry

For though I knew it to be true

I needed to pretend

that it was not

Because love is all I've ever wanted

and holding you

and kissing you

and lying in your arms

truly felt like love

But deep inside

I knew

That honestly

I did not love you

. . . And you wouldn't love me

*****

The door to my heart

was locked steadfast and tight

when I'd met you

For many times

I'd let people in

Who would steal pieces of me

on their hasty way out

Now I fear

once again

I've said too much

And I've let you in too far

But I can do nothing

except wait

and see if you decide

to break my heart

or to heal it

*****

There is no greater Darkness in life

than watching the Flame of love

Flicker

and vanish

*****

I could never say

That I love you

Because I always feared

that you'd be

like all the rest

And shortly after

I thought I loved you

You would leave me

Being with you

was too wonderful

And being alone

was too painful

So I could never say I love you

because I was too afraid

to risk so much loss

and so much pain

Perhaps I should have

because in my own way

I think it's possible

I love you

*****

Often I've thought about you

While I miss you even more

Even though your return

may earn me an embrace

and never again a kiss

My heart still aches

to be apart from you

for so long

Even though our romance

was cut short and became friendship

I never cease

to think of you everyday

I continue to see your smile in the clouds

to see your eyes in the sunlight

and to feel my affection for you

Grow

and blossom

into Love

*****

Enduring life is all I've done to meet you

It wasn't until we met

that I was ready to live my life

instead of endure it

And during that time

I made many mistakes

bore many burdens

and carried the weight

of many regrets

It is because of such things

that I feel you deserve more

then what I am

or what I can offer

If however you decide

to love this scarred

tarnished, unworthy

ancient, old soul

I will vow to you

all my love

honor

compassion

affection

and loyalty

Always and beyond

. . . For because of you

I can live once again

instead of simply enduring

*****

Do loathe a thing or two

One thing

Two

or another

What do we see when we smile

Does it laugh

Oh, do we loathe it

Yes

One or two

A few

small

things in this world

*****

I know

of your shadows of despair

for I was cloaked within my own

I know

of your lonely pain

for I was cut by it too

I know

of nights crying yourself to sleep

for I too thought I was abandoned in the world

I know

of your wanting to end it all

for I often saw no reason to wake again

I know

of your laughter to hide your tears

for I am a master of silent crying

I know

how long you've been afraid to care again

for I hold such fears too

But I know

that no one will ever know me

unless I can share with her

how similar we are

I know so much of you

for you are the one I've been missing all along

*****

I've missed you. . .

Missed over thousands of miles

over mountains

over forests

over plains

and cities

and oceans

and seas

And for all that distance

over all that time

I never missed you as much

as I did when you were inches away

and had just walked away

from my life

*****

I've never regretted

the times I opened up to you

It felt good

to share with you

who I am

I only fear

I fear I revealed too much

too much of my sorrow

too much of my loneliness

I fear you won't feel ready

to bear the weight

of lifting my burdens

for they are heavy upon my heart

But all you need give

is warm embraces

gentle kisses

and a few hours of your day

every now and then

That's all you need do

That's all I ask for

in exchange for opening my heart

That's all you'd need do

to lift my burdens

And if you have the courage

you might show me your own heart

as I've given you mine

*****

Never fear

to show me who you are

I will not judge you

nor condemn you

if you reveal your heart and soul

For I know

not only is such an act difficult

but it is essential

in order to love another human being

I have already come to love you

Now I do not fear

As I begin to know you

*****

Now that you've seen

who I really am

I fear I'll lose you

that you'll run away

But I would never try

to burden you

or suffocate you

with expectations you feel you can not meet

I need a heart

of kindness

compassion

affection

and consideration

I need the heart

of a girl I can call "friend"

That is the weight

of the burden I expect you to bear

now that you've seen my heart

I can only hope

your fear of such responsibility

is less

than my fear of no one ever bearing it

*****

Never is it easy

to lose a soul we care for

Especially when the loss

is long and slow

and drags on sluggishly

from joy

to sorrow

as we vainly

and desperately

claw to regain

the happiness of days past

Stumbling upon Death in the dark

is easier to face

than the times when we see Her

looming expectantly upon the horizon

*****

Once

we had a day together

And even then

I knew

that no matter what life were to bring

no matter what obstacles we would face

I could always look back

upon our perfect day with smiles

It was a single day

when a dozen dreams came true

I knew

someday it would end

someday bad times would come

Someday is here

But I can still remember our day

and cry bittersweet tears

of happiness

*****

If only. . .

If only I could find

Someone who listens

and shares

Someone who desires

and gives

If only I could find

Someone who could talk to me

at a silent sunset

Someone who could hold me

until a sunrise

If I could find you my love

Might I be looking at someone

I've already met?

If only. . .

*****

Many times

We often spend our lives

In a quest for what we already have

*****

I never seem to say

the right thing

and oft times

when my intentions are most pure

the words come out

all wrong

I'll say "It's about time you're back"

When I mean "I've missed you"

I'll say "What is your problem"

When I mean "I was worried about you"

I'm liable to stare at you awkwardly

embarrassed to admit

that your beauty has left me speechless

And if you ask "What's wrong"

I'll shyly say "Nothing"

I'll say "That's a neat necklace"

When I mean "You look beautiful"

I never seem to say what's right

or do what I should

I'll step on your toes when we hug

I'll smash my nose as I kiss your cheek

And many times

I'll be scared to death

to look you in the eye

But for all my faults and mistakes

I hope you never doubt

How much you mean to me

*****

Dance and Exalt

frolic, shout

Running, laughing

Cry out

Joyous celebrations

Oh, happy day

Once

For evermore almosts

Ever

and evernow

Tumbling Through The Lily Fields Of Life

*****

Once

I thought you'd be in my life forever

But I've stopped playing such games

Now

I know you could be gone tomorrow

Or stay a hundred years

I refuse to venture a guess

I've stopped playing such games

But if you will. . .

Can you play a game

Would you say you love me

Do you so loathe playing

Do you

So loathe it

that you'd end it with such words

"Love"

Can you truly

Do you know the rules

or would you leave

in a hundred years

*****

Just suppose

Love is an illusion

the Ultimate Illusion

Suppose it is

then what is it

. . . And what Is

*****

Here

Take what I am

You I offer me

Make me

Create in me that which I am nothing

I am

I am not

Oh, what can I destroy

Me

The me that you have not touched

Never Created

*****

For a long time

I looked for a friend

And a lover

But now that I've met you

I feel my heart content

To know you are my friend with such passion

that I now do not need a lover

For your friendship

far surpasses the expectations

of both wants

*****

I wandered through the Park

just the other day. . .

for just a moment

It was cold

So I held you close to me

And you made me warm again

. . . Although you weren't there. . .

When the wind scattered leaves

I heard you sigh

And I sat by the stream

to hear your laughter

. . . Although you weren't there. . .

I sat in the cold

arms around myself

And it was warm as you held me

I felt a single tear kiss my cheek

- a tear of joy -

As I looked upon fireflies and stars in

the sunshine

. . . Although you weren't there. . .

The tear landed in the stream

and I heard a sound

a chime that said

"Friendship"

It was just the other day

wandering through the Park

. . . And you were there. . .

for just a moment

*****

I ran from me

I ran into you

And went on my way

still from myself

as you went your separate way

Running

Running again

and more

but never into me

*****

Sunshine and rainbows

starlight and fireflies

flowers, trees, clouds

the cool green of summer

Screaming

the laughter

waters of tears

Beauty

Desolation

Nothing

Oh, crying in the wind

out

to the magic

Oh, oh, the wonder

Such a time

that cool green warmth

Never

Always

No matter. . . in summerlight

*****

Cupped hands

offer in sacrifice

their own blood

Trickling

Running

Thin rivulets over creases in flesh

Red Life

Dripping, Falling

Crashing into Dirt

*****

Turning, Spinning

Parting and

Converging

Movement always

Never anywhere

Crying, Thrashing

The sheets in the bed

Wet

Dry with tears and sweat

Cold

Running

Crying in the nothing

Almosts

Never

Drowning in your allness

that isn't

Never Reached

*****

Who are you

And where do you go

to curse my heart

What games do you play in old mythic circles

Do you

And how

Is it the sound of the scream

made by a shattering soul

that you so savor

*****

You are One

Angel

Princess

Unicorn of my Heart

Longingly I ache for you

confused by uncertainty

as my spirit is torn asunder

From the fear

and the need

of loving you

*****

Whispered Wishes

made on dreamstars

of love and loyalty

of friendship and respect

Would Whispered Wishes granted

bring you

*****

Forevermores

And always

Eternals

Neverendings

Infinites and Everlastings

All a meaningless flash of time

in the Light of True Love

*****

Alone I sit

Trembling in fear

over the depth of caring

I've come to feel for you

And in fearing

fear more

That unspoken thoughts

and unvowed loyalties

May allow you in your absence

to give your heart to another

And when you return

my vows would come only too late

So alone I sit

Awaiting with longing

Aching

Fearfilled empty heart

for you to come home again

*****

Leaving We knew well

But no better more

Times

Returning upon and more

*****

Terrorscream into

The Darkness

Howl like relentless winds

For it could be

That no one

Loves Me

*****

Moonbeam kissed tears

Dance down through my soul

in the Dark

of a warm vertigo

On a cold night

Swarming snows

moonbeam kissed

fall heavily

into

Gentle Hearts

*****

Smiling an laughing

Oh, how I love to dance alone

Remembering

Creating lifelong memories

of people I never knew

and things I never did

in places I never went

Oh, how I love to dance alone

Like the way I used to cry

. . . From the remembering

I forgot how to do that now

But, oh, how I love to dance alone

*****

How cold was the loneliness

that night

Your own life you robbed yourself of

Was it so hard

that you could not turn to me

Epic Life. . .

I suppose the ending fit

*****

Perhaps

O, Maybe I always knew

from the magical moment

startouched eyes

met with mine

Friendship would return us

after a lifetime or two

And Love was destined and true

. . . But Romance. . .

O, Maybe I always knew

That it would never be

*****

Fate curses Us

mocks Us

Taking eternity

Creating naivete

Mocking Our Dreams

. . . And years pass

Until I look to your eyes

on a dreaded darkness

of night

Warmth is gone

Drains like ice

Tears from your eyes

To see only Coldness

The Smile of Fate

Reflects In Grim Reaper Eyes

*****

Deeper daydreams

mesmerize the heart

with poisoned cuddles of shadow

In the minds

fevered,

we all ache

. . . from so many forgotten

Instances

where hope became cusped

Words without

know their boundaries

*****

Was it Fair to Hate you? I wondered. Do I?

Did you do it deliberately?

O, Hope

O, Hope Is A Curse

A Curse

Curses Centuries Long

Indifferent, Unending, Eternal lengh in a lifetime

Make no reason nor sense

After all. . . Pain

All. . . and yet

After It All. . .

Last Night

I Finally Forgot How To Cry

*****

I think there was a time

when I was young

A time when I was young

But it was a thousand ages past

I think

There was a time when I was free

Young

Young

O, yes young

Free and happy

Magic and wonder

Enchantment was the world

But time turned the Magic Black

O, that was so long ago

But I think. . .

I think there was a time when I was young

*****

Distances mean nothing

to those in love

Yet forcing distance

is all that can make

love vanish

Into desert sands

of longing

and time

*****

I lost a friend tonight

I want to cry

But she's not gone yet

Nevermind

I lost a friend tonight

And Nothing has taken her place

I'm sorry

I didn't mean to

I certainly didn't want to

or did I

After all

She's not gone

. . . But I lost a friend

I lost a friend tonight

I lost

I lost a friend. . .

To Night

*****

Smiling

Oh how smile did I

The other day just

In passing

Of a wondrous joy

Of ever mine or any other heart beheld

A laughter

And a tear

O' of bittersweet bliss

To fall upon

And blossom wide

a thousand tender roses

With a smile on this I did see

A hopefulness and a joy

Sprung within the most rosen of hearts

As a sparrow sings her song

A smile

Smiles as a sparrow

Laughters as a tear

*****

Out - Out

And out once again

O' cry thee to the heavens

From darkest self I cower

To find thine heavens mock upon me

Upon my pain

What say thee

To an eternity of untethered bliss in woe

Bring you henceforth there could I

Evermore to wallow

To see - To smell - To taste - To touch

O' indeed to hear the very wail of a heart

a thousand times torn asunder from

breast and breath

Hear that

O' hear that cry rogue friend

And know for all and once

The pain of endless blades

Sheathed in a heart that feeds blood to its

own slayers hand

Mock that not

Rogue

O' tormentuous rogue

*****

It happened again

That fear entered my Life

You know

That fear

That oh-so-familiar one

That self doubt

Seeing faith in who we are

Draining from us

Yes

It happened again

Resenting myself

Belittling my achievements

Feeling worthless

Then I remembered something

I remembered that someone loves me

. . . I do

*****

Times eternal have flown since last we spoke

O' to gaze graciously upon thee again

To see thine eyes

O' forgotten had I the mirth contained therein

The wonder

And nay lest not forget the wisdom

Born so lightly on a maid so young

Enhancing thine enchantment

And naer stripping it away

So perhaps and with thought of but a humble wisdom

Not times nor ages eternal have passed

Only flickered

Merely and in the blink vanished

To be no more

To know no distance

To know no time

Merely to know

And be now

Always whenever we will be

*****

Our Hearts and Souls

Can soar to dizzyingly lofty heights

upon the Winds of Confidence

We mustn't allow Bitter Despair to

Shoot our Hearts down

*****

Complacency

Is the way people perceive

Those who have attained

contentment with who they are

For once such a state is achieved

Where they are becomes unimportant

And so those who mistake

This Content for Complacency

Move on

and travel away

from who they are

looking for the answers outside

which lie within

*****

Long ago

I learned

That Love can not be bought

Not even with our Heart and Soul

Nor our noblest deeds

Nor our sweetest words of kindness and joy

Love can only be given to another

And they in turn can accept it

or reject it

But it can not be purchased

or forced

or coerced

or manipulated

The best we can do

is to be Honest

Noble

True

And pray what we give

Is both accepted

And returned

*****

It is so

That the biggest changes in Life

Those which are the most important

Which change our lives the most

Are the ones

Which an outside world

Of strangers

Can never see

*****

How do we loathe

What we see

as a loved ones betrayal

When our own

insensitivity

Gave them no choices

But to find comfort

away

From our cruel hands

*****

On Spring eve

of magics borne

Nights Midsummer

Laughter Winds

Starlight Hearts

Dreams dared not dreamt come true

Not a thousand days

Since the sith rainbow danced

My spirit sings

Lofty

With Cautious Hope

Fearful

With Open Arms

I await the Return

Of dreams (dared not dreamt)

*****

Again

As have teared the cheek of a thousand lovers

past

I find my heart to wonder

Know I a love

A laughter

A life

In a spirit e'er the loftiest

to set asoar my adorations

And the tears do ask

as a wistful chorus

"Have we loved before?"

"Shall we?

. . . Again?"

*****

Upon a time once

How many tales seem to start as such

Do the ones of woe

seem more aplenty

Or does my heart

Simply see with eyes

That notice only the cruelest inks

*****

I did find an angel once

. . . Or was it often more?

In darkness this deity danced

Spirit sprinkles

Magic

Pixie dust and happy thoughts

For the heart to take to the second star

On the Right

Moonbeam wishes

And rainbow dreams

Ice balloons - Flying machines

And unicorns in daisy fields

All this we shared and more

Even in darkness

Because never were we there

. . . Only now

How much of the dreamwalks must lessen?

Must they at all?

*****

Enlightened Dreams

This they sang unto me

off of clouds

Heavens mightiest

When once wishing

for to think it so

is to dream it only in dreams

No longer dreamt

Clouds will reign

a thousand drops of Heaven

and Crowns of Enlightened. . .

Tears

For to think it so

*****

Angels without Gods are fallen to Earth

My eyes were blinded

By the light of vicious stars

Like chariots and bears

Like myths and like Gods

Without

*****

Lost were your Kind in my desolate world

Lost was laughter

Beauty lay unfound

Caring vanished

All things of light and joy

Buried in the black heart (Nothing)

of Nowhere

Even tears

Shed to sorrow my woes

. . . Had gone. . .

The pain of despair

Long vanished

Consumed itself

Nothing was left

So nothing was missed

Lost were your Kind

I hear you call. . .

I stumble through darkness

A Forgotten Darkness Of My Creation

. . . Do not cease your call

Lost. . . am I?

The voice of your Kind

Calls

The beacon of a Heart

One (Light) (Shines)

Like no other kind

*****

There were songs

Songs then?

Yeah, like always

A sound created All

I heard

She told me

Said so

Her laughing

Or was it tears

Oh, Glory. . . did she shed

Those were

That

Where I heard the sound

*****

Know we haven't forgotten (Not I) (You) (Nor We)

Across miles and time

Space

Forevers

By all The Light. . .

. . . I miss One who is never gone

We've touched in dreams

Rained tears beneath stars

Walked together. . .

On lonely beaches

Through Ancient Nights

We know so well. . . Remember. . .

Our Blessing

Our Curse (. . . No. . . Only a Blessing) (Know)

The One You Are

I Am

Is Always

Was. . .

. . . And Shall Be

Light Eternal

It shines. . . (Bright)

Deeper than the sparkle of Summer winds

Fireflies dance

Fairy smiles

Or the peal of laughing stars

No. . . We Haven't Forgotten

(Light

Deeper Than The Peal Of Laughing Stars)

*****

If I shed a single tear

for every drop of pain

will my sorrows

sail her home to me

*****

No embrace is more painful

than one we love

being driven by self

into the arms of another

*****

Darkness dreaming

behind the other eyes

conjures the colorless wishes

*****

Creepy how the time seems to know

It seems to breathe

And counting numbers my steps

And once I saw it

Snicker

When graves turned clocks

And seeping under the board light

behind doors

And doors that never open

Tickling

(Like patience)

Patience

*****

Fifteen times

and calling

so long ago

Once upon a memory lost

Reaching for things

we knew were there

yet could not see

Right before cracked eyes

The omens came

and when we listen

Deafness befalls

the dark angels of salvation

*****

Whimper Massachusetts

North of Times

directions spun round

in square jogs

cutting scars burn

at 90

*****

Never did I mean

To push you away so hard

that you could not see

how I truly feel

Now I feel I've come too late

with apologies for my failures

For I've pushed so meanly

That the arms of another hold you

While I only grasp memories

And my bitter regrets

*****

Too late I feel I've arrived

Having you once

But never truly holding you

Hurting you more

But never seeing how badly

Only now

when pain is mine to bear

do I see

All that I've missed

And now

Regrets my nightly dreams

My blanket to cover me dark

I see under that cold cloak

how late I have arrived

*****

Sleep

That Blessing Of Feigned Death

When pain ceases for a time

And we find darkness warm

Comfort in its embrace

Wishing only

Wishing only when we wake

Blessings

Blessings unfeigned

Blessings unfeigned be bestowed

*****

Long ago I cursed myself

by wishing not to feel

And one breaking my heart

begged me not to say such things

Now I see the curse disguise

In that vicious blessing

For I do still feel

Only now

when it's too late

could I tell you

How much I love you

Such words

Magic I saw bright

Seems dark in the light

Because I hid caring so long

that loving you fell on a heart

which no longer loved me

*****

Has your beauty become tainted

that I find it so hard to see

now that I drove myself from you

Or do I merely see the ugliness in my own heart

And find it such an aberration

That I know I do not deserve

to even attempt

to look beyond

You beauty tainted?

No

Simply my pity upon my own wretched unworthiness

That taints all my world

And become you

The only beauty within it all

*****

When we notice love too late

and see so clearly when it's gone

No blackness

ever seemed to sear more brilliant

*****

Loved have I before

(or thought as such for any it matters)

And spoke it oft to an unlike dispositioned maid

So was their pain

Now I find love again

Hide it

Bury it deep

For fear of hurting my beloved

For fear of the pain it hath so oft wrought me

And behold

For this time I lose it by hiding

Desperation

I love you!

Words but hidden too long

Only now to cough dust

Cobwebbed nothingness to a heart

which can not care

from whom the words come

* * *

Between Smothering and Distancing

Falls a true heart

I have never seemed to love

*****

My lies were accidents

Ones that I told

only because I'd convinced

. . .my selfishness. . .

the lies were true

Now I see them for lies

. . . Know that my love is truth

Vulnerable makes we - this love

Lies covered love

To protect what was vulnerable

Now I stand

with nothing to hide

with truth

Not the hurtful protection of lies

*****

Enough

Have I done enough

Have I said enough

Perhaps

Perhaps not

My mind keeps clawing

Desperate to find words

Yearning

to discover than phrase

that would allow me to hold on

To keep from slipping away

from. . .

*****

One I love

I feared

I feared to speak

of my affections

of my caring

Feared to voice my love

So I voiced nothing

or worse. . .

I was cruel

Now she leaves

fleeing from my nothingness

running from my cruelty

And I am

SCREAMING

Wait

Wait

I love you

I love you

Don't go

Can't she hear?

Or have I driven her so far

that she can't even care

anymore

what I scream

*****

Every day without you

feels darker

and shorter than

the one before

Everyday

Nothing seems worth it

as much as before

Everyday

I wonder

Will anyone ever believe me

as much as you have

*****

A look

across the room

from the other side of the car

Watching me

Eyes seeing

more than the world

Eyes seeing

who I am

Then smiling

*****

Looking

Reading

Relishing over the words

letters you have given

cards you have sent

Love expressed

in ink and paper

Crisp and clear

as tracked fresh snow

Stone Realities

Softly

Warmly melting my cold heart

Forgiveness I plea

For not seeing before

what I read

. . . I love you too

*****

Saying those words

Love, Pain, Regret

Trust, Caring, Sorry, Please

Need, Want

You, I

Mean, Wrong, Chances

Time

Upset, Hurt, Betrayed, Hiding, Lies

Wonderful

Magical

Believing

Happy

Honest

Supportive

Best Friend

Please

Please

. . . Please. . .

For being so very

Very long

*****

Losing all you are to me

I keep thinking

I'll find

what I should've said

. . . long ago. . .

That you are my dreams

when I am awake

You are my bluest skied days

when I sleep

When pain is all I know

You're my reason

to remember

Joy

*****

Let them laugh

. . .it's a beautiful thing

to let them do

*****

Sometimes we wonder

Why go on?

Why bother?

After all, it could all end tomorrow anyway

Wonder a little more

Just because it could end

Doesn't that mean

We should go on

We should bother

Why should the possibility

of losing everything tomorrow

Prevent the reality

of allowing ourselves happiness today

*****

There is no such thing

As the perfect person

for the perfect relationship

The perfect relationship

Stems from treating

a loved one

as best

we can

*****

Worlds, memories

and hopes to dust

Yours is the voice

to bring comfort

easing all

Light of suns

and brilliance unending

all luminescent joy

Yours is the heart

with whom I want

to share

every glowing fire

Eyes of a Children's Choir

Singing

your understanding

*****

Love in all the splendor it beholds

is the only thing

you have ever shown

Always there

Always around

Always gentle

The most care

generosity

compassion

I have ever known

Not once rejecting me

Never a "too-busy"

Never a "other-plans"

Never a "I-can't"

Loyal as my shadow

More splendor in your heart

than in the sun which casts it

Finding the time

Making the time

For all time

Thank You My Love. . .

Dream Laughs And Thunder Sunsets

Bounding

Tropical Snows

Giggling

as we run

across Infinite Horizons Of Tomorrows

*****

I hated those

who used Love too freely

who said it

without knowing what it means

Now I see

I was just as big a hypocrite

just as big a fool

For I have only loved one

Ever

In all my days in all this life

there was only ever

She Who Is Forever Gone

*****

The Somehow Always

and Forever Nows

Where have we gone

Which was not Building Block Dreams

Skating the ice

of a Thousand Moons A Day

Remembering. . .

So many

Times Before

Death and Life and all

And no wonder. . .

Wonder

The Magic Jumble

Where We Dance

Over the Hills Of Future Wishes

Over Oceans Of Past Dreams

Hopes Today found

. . . Treasures. . .

Under Blankets

in Flower Fields

Loves feared dark

NEVER (Silly!)

More Wonder and Brightness

Eternally Within Our Dance

*****

Summer Bells O'er Frozen Rain

The glory New Day

Kiss on a cheek

Blushed of bluest sun

Stockpile of smiles

Keeping The Fabric Of Forevermore

Woven in Joyousness

*****

Torture is love being stolen

Pain

is when love

simply

walks away

*****

Beyond the nightmares

and beyond the tears

Over the longings

Yearnings

Fears

Beyond the nightmares

I wish to climb

Over the sorrows

I hope

to find

What we've always had

and never could face

That blessed feeling both felt

never able to name

One has said now!

One has said!

And the other said same

But was the wait too long

(beyond) between now

and then

*****

I relish the moments

when you walk into the room

Around a corner

through a doorway

Just a glimpse of you

and I smile

Being blessed

by your presence

*****

How does the Knight breathe

How might he live

When the only ones

he has ever failed

Are himself

And his one true love

When our Princess has died

Her Knight

. . . Is Nothing

*****

Know I not

the length of my days

nor yours

nor ours

On this globe

Neither do I know what futures may join us

with greater bonds

or pull us painfully asunder

Only do I know

how I cherish all we have this day

Only do I know

how blessed I am by such closeness we share

such adoration I have for you

This day

This breath

This life

This love

Today it is all within our grasp of touch and thought

As affections always be

To care and protect as long as you wish

Adored

Revered are you held in my hearts most loving warmth

Revered. . .

*****

There have been loves

in my life

for whom I would vow to die

Even

when love did not reflect

in their dark hearts

There was one

for whom I would live

and die

One

. . . One whom I failed

and fear

I can never

make amends for

*****

The Minds Eye

plays their sorrow

more vividly than if it was seen

*****

Life

Is Far Too Short

to not dance

to not sing

to not laugh

to not scream

Be heard

Be You

at all costs

Even death

For it seems that is inevitable one morning

the worst the world can do

is laugh at you

And giving laughter to this world

is a gift

which is sadly

too rare

*****

Death Be Lover To Cruelty

So All The Cruel

Be Already Dead

. . . Is there any harm in killing

that which does not live?

*****

When you betray all you have

You leave forever

all you had known

But leaving

need not lead to betrayal

*****

Grief of Solitude

is Despairs

commonest companion

*****

Often

we hold on to nothing

In the hopes that our embrace

can grant meaning

to nothingness

But hold long enough

And you will only realize

that

"Something"

in the meantime passed you by

*****

Why did I love you

when I knew from the start

You would leave me

Months before she left

she called me her

"Best Friend"

You left for a world

for a life

Better to you

And I loved you so much

I would have torn oceans in twain

There was a moment

just to be with

. . . who I thought you were

*****

Lover Be Said

Am I wrong

. . . I could spend my life

with this child

who held my hand in the dark

For I see you and

- wonder -

With trembling

A heart beats. . .

"Could be"

"Could be"

"Could be"

*****

Sands must rise

When even the dreamer

may find folly

in bequesting the very stars

for the want of a lovers heart

(for we know well

in that place by passions all dreamers be)

What sparkling pearl bejeweled of nights canvas

has e'er been possessed

by the slightest concourse

with even passing fancy

for the troubles of we

Hath they e'er shone

twinkled the briefest quiver

for any deed nor desire

of mortal breast

Know thee thus any king of wizened orb

any maid clutched to most dire virtue

any knight of truest baldric

Them one nor none nor all ever commanded

even the faintest glimmer

for the most childish light

Struck of the moon are all such dreamers

Such weavers of the tapestry. . .

*****

Seems to be

That Death

has a greater power than life

Never

does one feel joy

in a place where many

have been born

Always

does one feel dread

in a place where only one

has died

Could this be

For seconds before we die

We know the horrors that await

*****

There was a time

There

Was a day

When the world was making sense

And the skies were clear

Memories bright

All quite young

Tasting rage and wonder

Happy in the peace side

of blessed salvation

Handed to each other in the blood

Of noble joy

Again shall these days be

For I shall again hold my redemption

At the cost

Of any blood

And never shall I let the angel of my world. . .

Forget

All I have

. . . Today

*****

Blasphemy to reserve

words like Holy

. . . Sacred

. . . Blessed

. . . Divine

for only those things

which know and care not

When I have seen holy eyes

of a hundred Spring colors

touched a sacred body

of an immaculate perfection

known a blessed dreamer

of a world like my own

loved a divine soul

of a shining Goddess

Whom I have toiled for

in this temple

my heart

its cornerstone

*****

Life has taught

time and again

that there is no joy

which does not end in sorrow

So must I teach life

a defiant disbelief

of my lessons

*****

Love Is Never Painful. . .

The Lack Of It Is

*****

When I pray

on Winter nights

on Summer days

I find I pray to you

My lost love

You who were stolen

from me

from life

For your presence in my life

answered more prayers

than any gods of which I dreamed

You who taught the snow to shine at midnight

One who danced

with her sister and dolphins in moonseas

Our love is the answer of prayers

The creator of worlds

Like no other

The breath of life

We who are truth and innocence

Love and Laughter

. . . We who do not end at dust and earth. . .

*****

Crucified upon sunbeam ankhs

placed under glass

upon the unreachable

What is so easy to see

by the longing blind

*****

Lives And Ages

You are my essence

and my living breath

And regardless of moments

past

gone

unchangeable

Loyally and dearly

Are you held in my heart

There are things I have forgotten

down misplaced times

But never my devotion

to all you are

*****

Poems

you read to me

in the graveyard of your livingroom

Such chaos in mind

Loving always aches

in sidewalk chalk scribbles

four souls listening to your tears

four souls completely alone

four in their graves

as your tears

never made you cry

*****

Everytime we part

my dreams swirl

with phantoms of you

and I cannot miss you

and must I long for you

must we know so much

Kiss me

Touch her

Morning dreams

wracked with longing we all know

. . . Or. . .

. . . No. . .

Somethings perhaps I hide too well

*****

Glorious

Come with me

Where I go

we go

Where?

It doesn't matter

Not words

Not destination

Just the journey - Glorious!

Come

Never leave where we're going

*****

Reflections of myself

I have known you so much

Seastorm eyes

show me a heart I could never break

Yes

Yes

Yes

The answer has always been

Yes

. . . If yours is only -

If. . .

*****

Asking an angel

to sing to me

seems like blasphemy

So I whrill

in the woe of your unicorn rhymes

of love and loss

and pain of other times

That I can pretend are mine

*****

For all the pain I have caused

and hurt I have given

Perhaps

Doing you harm

Broke my own heart

Most of all

*****

All I ever heard

were Christmas wreaths

nailed through my heart

Shall I tell you

I adore you

I am enamored by all you are

. . . Perhaps ask you

to hold me

kiss me

God, shall I tell you how I want

you to kiss me

There was never a moment of my life

that I knew who I was

*****

No one has ever been able

to hold me up

whenever I fall

So I have learned

Compassion

to pick up those I love

Strength

to pick up myself

when those who love me

just stare

*****

Beloved was I called

A familiar voice

from noplace

And in the dark

When you yelled

Knives unable to bear my face

In the dark

Did eyes that never tear cry to me

Why do I fear

anything so strong and good

*****

You Don't Always Do Things For The End Result

Sometimes You Do Things

Just For The Sake Of Doing Them

*****

People Have A Hard Time Accepting Reality

Because Reality Is What They Have Made Of Their Lives

*****

That Which Must Be Explained Can Never Be Understood

Doing The Right Thing Is Always Harder Than Doing Nothing

*****

Money Never Made A Rich Man Happy

But It Can Make A Happy Man Rich

*****

Hoarding Knowledge Is Proof That One Does Not Possess It

*****

That Which Is Socially Acceptable Is Often Morally Wrong

*****

Age May Demand Respect But Everyone Deserves It

*****

Always Assume People Know More

Than You Are Initially Led To Believe

*****

Always Prepare For The Worst

If You Have Nothing You Can't Lose Anything

*****

He Who Ponders The Insignificant Often Winds Up

Knowing Very Little And Blindly Believing Very Much

*****

Question Everything You're Told

And Trust Everything You're Not

*****

Grant Trust Easily To No One, Including Yourself

*****

Violence Is Not A Physical Action

But Rather, A Mental Attitude

*****

He Who Trips Over His Own Feet

Should Not Take Up The Act Of Walking

Poets View Life In Slow Motion

*****

It's Better To Fail At Conquering The World

Than It Is To Succeed At Conquering The Town

*****

When You See Only A Negative Future It's Easier To Pretend You'll Rekindle A Positive Past

*****

There's A Fine Line Between Romance And Sorrow

*****

You're Never Too Old To Be Young

*****

Maturity Is Not How You Act, It's Why You Act

Love Is The Ability To Forgive People For Things

That Would Get Them Kicked In The Head

Under Normal Circumstances

*****

Wisdom Comes Not With Age

But With The Contemplation Of Experience

*****

Educated Rebellion Is Always Better Than Blind

Conformacy

*****

There Is No Greater Burden Than The Freedom Of Wisdom

Knowledge And Truth

*****

The Difference Between Reality And A Dream

Is The Difference Between Water And A Stream

Relationships Are Like Ice Cream Cones

In The Right Hands They Are Cherished And Valued

Otherwise They Get Sucked Up By Flies

*****

Once One Stops Living

One Should Be More Than Happy to Die

*****

Time Is The Only Thing

Preventing One From Knowing Everything

*****

The Biggest Problem Of The Typical Male

Is That There Are So Many Of Them

*****

Life Is Not A Matter Of Learning In Order To Obtain

Perfection

Life Is Perfection Forgetting Itself

For The Sake Of Learning

The Only Mistake Prophets Ever Make Is Telling Everyone

*****

It's More Fun To Learn Than It Is To Know

*****

Never Forget Who You Are Or Why You're Here

*****

Don't Lead A Life That Teaches The Word "Regret"

*****

Anything That Is Typical Is Predictable

Despite How Unique It May Think It Is

*****

Never Regret That Which Cannot Be Changed

*****

One Need Not Be Open Minded To Close Minded People

Forever Is Until We Wish Otherwise

*****

Don't Listen To Advice Before Looking At Peoples Lives

*****

Loneliness Makes For Painting Exceptionally Noble

Delusions Of Grandeur

*****

There's A Big Difference Between Attraction And Interest

*****

Those Forsaking Wisdom For Youth

Are Already Far Wiser Than They'll Ever Realize

*****

It's Never Too Late For Anything

*****

Love Is Hate Spelled Backwards

Never Stop Thinking But Don't Do It Too Much

*****

Insanity Is Nothing Other Than An Alternate Viewpoint

*****

Avoid Listening To A Million Whispering Voices

*****

Marriage Isn't Permanent Enough For Love

*****

Blow Peoples Minds. . . Gently

*****

God Killed Itself When It Created The Universe

* * *

Never Forget More Than You've Learned

For All Ones Faith In Dreams, Never Cling To Illusions

*****

Some Of Us All Die Eventually. . .

*****

Love Only Sucks When It's Not There

*****

A "One Night Stand" Can Last For Months

*****

Everything That's Happened Is In The Past

*****

In Order To Attain Something Or Go Somewhere

You Never Have Before

You Must Be Willing To Give More Of Something

Than You Ever Have Before

*****

When The Lights Go Out, We're All The Same Color

Everyone Who's Born Will Die

But Not Everyone Who's Born Will Live

*****

Are All Lesbians Folk Singers?

*****

Why Do All Imperial Officers In Star Wars Movies

Have English Accents?

*****

Always Use Protection - Get A Penis With An Air Bag

*****

Don't Allow Those Who Can't Live Their Lives

To Criticize Yours

*****

Why Do Blind People Keep Their Eyes Open?

Nobody Is Deep

They're Just Less Shallow Than Everybody Else

*****

There's No Such Thing As Facts Or Opinions

*****

Meloncolonic: Helping Cantaloupe To Shit

*****

The Older You Get, The More You Forget

*****

When People Are Stupid They Won't Realize It

When You Point Out How Dumb They Are

*****

Every Moment You Are Actually Seeing The Past

*****

Most People In The "School Of Life"

Never Pay Attention In Class

Never Sleep With Someone

Until You Know Them Well Enough

That You Can Fart In Bed Without Being Embarrassed

*****

Control Your Life Based On Your Emotions

Don't Control Your Emotions Based On Your Life

*****

Research Has Shown

That Everything Which Studies Proved, Isn't True

*****

Losers With Delusions Of Grandeur Call Themselves "Artists"

*****

The World Is Full Of Fucking Idiots

You're Bound To Be Related To Some

*****

Reality Is Based On Your Beliefs, Not Your Perceptions

People Always Seem To Find It Easier

To Blame Their Problems On Their Past

Instead Of Their Present

*****

Dying A Painful Death Is Better Comfort

Than Living A Painful Life

*****

Ever Get Nostalgic For Memories You Never Really Had?

*****

All Artists Want To Die

Without Death There Is No Immortality

*****

Knowing Nothing Of Compassion Means Knowing

Nothing Of Pain

*****

Anothers Questions Often Reveal More Than Their Answers

Proverbs Carved In Stone Outlive Those Etched In Shit

*****

There's No Such Thing As Dyslexia

The World Is Just Backwards

*****

Only At The Moments When We Have Nothing

To Lose Can We Afford To Be Completely Honest

*****

When Everything Is Put In It's Proper Context

Nothing Has Any Meaning

*****

Breathing Is Just Sneezing Very Slowly

*****

Authority Is Not Ordained By Dictation But Earned

By Showing A Sense Of Respect

There Is No Such Thing As Learning, Only Remembering

*****

Evil Is The Theft Of Free Will

*****

You'll Have Learned Much More By The Time You Reach

Your Destiny If Your Journey Led You In

A Haphazard Path

*****

Expect Apologies For Actions, Never For Feelings

*****

Freedom Of Expression Must Never Be As An Excuse

Used To Negate Ones Own Sense Of Moral Responsibility

*****

"Never Fuck An Asshole" Means More Than Just Anal Sex

Biography

Oh, please. What kind of jackass gets a picture of himself on a motorcycle with his shirt open? Seriously? That's your author photo? What a douchebag. Put a shirt on, Fabio.

Born in Cleveland, Ohio, author Eric Muss-Barnes has actually accomplished a lot of things in life, other than looking like tool on a motorcycle and writing a lame poetry book. He has written, directed and produced an award-nominated, critically-acclaimed short-film entitled The Unseelie Court, which was screened in numerous film festivals across the country and is available on DVD. His writing has been published in numerous magazines around the world and within multiple anthologies, such as Tales From The Dark Tower and The Skateboarder's Journal - Lives on Board, while his professional photography has been exhibited and sold in art galleries from Ohio to Hollywood. His second book, entitled Schooling Your Boss To Not Suck, regales amusing tales of unfortunate managers at various jobs he's held over the years. Another career oriented book is his inspirational vocational autobiography entitled How You Can Get a Job at Walt Disney Studios Without a College Degree. He also wrote an epic vampire duology entitled The Vampire Noctuaries which begins with The Gothic Rainbow and concludes with Annwn's Maelstrom Festival.

Beyond his artistic endeavors, Eric has been an avid freestyle BMX rider, snowboarder, mountain biker, equestrian, bodyboarder and runs a 5K a few times a week. A certified Hang 2 pilot with an aerotow rating from the United States Hang Gliding Association, and involved in medieval martial arts with the Society for Creative Anachronism, he is also a passionate motorcyclist (Eric doesn't even own a car - he prefers a bike, because he's a jerk like that) having organized multiple grouprides in the mountains of Southern California. Eric has remained a fairly diehard skateboarder for decades, riding skateparks and pools all around Los Angeles, creating the revolutionary educational DVD video entitled Learn To Ride A Skateboard with Holly Lyons, who was, at the time, ranked the top woman skateboarder in the world. His various skateboarding videos have accumulated well over one-and-a-half million views on the Internet. Combining two passions, Eric also released a successful line of skateboard decks featuring his photography of bikini models, called California Girls Skateboards.

Then he wrote this piece of crap.

Not sure what I was, er, I mean, not sure what he was thinking.

Books authored by novelist
Eric Muss-Barnes
www.EricMuss-Barnes.com

Voodoo & Loveshadow
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Ever since he was a little boy, Rusty Stratford always believed he was destined for great things. Now, with his 40th birthday fast approaching, Rusty is starting to suspect he might only be destined for mediocre things. A bachelor with few family members and fewer friends, life hasn’t quite panned out the way Rusty hoped it would, and he’s beginning to resign himself to being alone and unimportant.

All that changes the night he meets the precocious ghosts of his unborn twin daughters, Isabeau and Oona. Quickly, he comes to discover the universe is a strange brew of fate and happenstance wherein Isabeau and Oona only have a small window of time during which their spirits can be born. Can the little girls help their father find the woman destined to become their mom? Or will Isabeau and Oona miss their chance to exist?

If you squandered decades of your life awaiting “one true love” who never arrived, if dreaming of an idyllic “soulmate” kept you alive through your darkest hours and they didn’t show up, this magical tale will comfort your heartache of missed chances and abandonment with an empathy like you’ve never known. Voodoo & Loveshadow kindles hope in the loneliest of hearts, assuring when the world has given you up for dead, you may still conjure reasons for life, love and laughter to prevail...

The Gothic Rainbow: Beginning Volume of The Vampire Noctuaries
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Helle Tompkins has reached the end of her days as an outcast, suburban teenager. Ever since her beloved father killed himself, and they released Helle from the mental hospital for trying to join him, she’s been in a place where her pain is far deeper than high school melodrama.

No more hiding behind black lipstick and a mohawk. Now she’s playing with pagan charms, Wiccan rites, and the scrying sorcery of her Ouija board. It’s the perfect distraction until she summons the attention of a charming and sinister faerie prince. A seductive spirit lurking in the shadows of treebranches shimmering upon her walls, he may be something much more horrible than he claims.

Will she succumb to bewitching promises and find salvation in his cruel embrace, or will his own agonizing secrets draw Helle into even deeper heartbreak?

“...The Gothic Rainbow by Eric Muss-Barnes is, frankly, one of the most absorbing novels that I have read in quite some time. ... I’ve found the book well worth my time, and I hope you will give it a shot. ... At the end, I think you will agree that Eric Muss-Barnes will be a name to watch...”
- Christopher T. Miller, Book Stacks Unlimited

“... The Gothic Rainbow gives solace and escape for those who feel trapped in a messed-up world full of heartaches and misunderstandings. There is plenty of sex and violence to stimulate, but it’s the delicate beauty and passionate writing of this novel that will touch your soul ...”
- Octavia, Outburn Magazine

“... if you’ve ever listened to The Cure in the dark, danced to The Dead Milkmen, lost a loved one, hung out with skaters, hated your parents or hated preppies, or if anyone’s ever called you a “freak,” I think you’ll find a little of yourself in this book. Its honest representation of this subculture - from the music to the fashion - is spun throughout the web of fantasy ...”
- Cynthia Conlin, Implosion Magazine

“... it’s quite a page-turner, with lots of shocking vampiric escapades. This book, on the whole, is extremely well-written with a wonderful poetic style. I’m glad I didn’t let the slow start scare me off ...”
-Susan Moon, The Nocturnal Lyric

“... One aspect of the writing that I appreciated is that the author uses different styles of writing throughout this novel. Muss-Barnes excels in his literary descriptions of buildings, character dress, and dreams. ... the choice of words and inflection of mood hit dead on at what I anticipated I would find when I first picked up the book ...”
-Dan O., IndustrialnatioN

“... Eric effectively blends elements from different genres and literary styles in a duet between mortals and Fey. Highly unique, believable characters, and a musical playlist to boot! I found the book compelling and charming (in a twisted way), and would gladly read the book again ...”
- Chelsea, Thistle Magazine

“... I’m utterly mystified that this book worked as well as it did for me. It’s written for readers with a firm grasp of the Goth subculture (I don’t qualify); it doesn’t attempt to have a plot as such; and the vampires are hopelessly larger-than-life, with their expensive cars, outrageous acts of violence, and nonstop scorn for mortals. (In fact, the vampires consider themselves so godlike that pronouns referring to them are capitalized, a typographical idiosyncrasy that I found rather disconcerting.) Perhaps the book’s appeal lies in the sheer honesty of the narrative. ... Self-serving but sincere, The Gothic Rainbow is definitely worth checking out ... I know that’s a strange kind of thumbs-up, but The Gothic Rainbow is a strange kind of book. It’s certainly not for everyone. ... It is a book of dreams and fantasies, power and pain, and bittersweet Goth-flavored wish fulfillment ...”
- Catherine B. Krusberg, Sphere Fantasy Online

Annwn’s Maelstrom Festival: Concluding Volume of The Vampire Noctuaries
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Fetishes claw inside of you. Ones you dare never admit. Desires you could never reveal. Claims of being free of all their taboos has never made you stop fearing your own carnal wants... For none could ever endure your passions and live.

Whips and chains are for prudes.

Fangs. Talons. Blood of full moons. The darkest hungers never die. Tell us the tale of your lusts. Succumb to the story of your deviance.

Or pretend this isn’t you at all. Wonder how far burns the flame, but fear to melt the wax. No matter. We have you eternal. Wondering. Wanting. Trapped with no escape from the blackest scenarios you envision.

Know no remorse. Submit to this dread sensuality.

Mock my every word, for still, this is you.

There is a vampire legend within us all. You have felt it for years. Yearned to hear of it. To read of it. See it in a tangible form. Live it. Hungered. And yet no one has ever even spoken of it. No one has ever given that saga a voice... Until now...

This is the myth of the vampire as you have always dreamed it should be told. The one we have all secretly shared, but never expressed.

Hear how she wants every boy and girl?

The dawn of eternal night has come.

More than 17 years in the making, Annwn’s Maelstrom Festival is the long-awaited conclusion to The Gothic Rainbow. When you thought the shadows could become no darker, Annwn’s Maelstrom Festival: Concluding Volume Of The Vampire Noctuaries takes you further into the tale of Elric and Helle DuBois. Told from Helle’s perspective, the story picks up where The Gothic Rainbow: Beginning Volume of The Vampire Noctuaries ended. We learn the true motives of Camillia, and the mystery of mortals played as Pawns, in centuries-old Killing Games, by the insidious DuBois sisters.

The secrets grow deeper. The passion becomes stronger. The fury knows no limits. There is far more to Elric and Helle than they have ever dreamed. Welcome to Annwn’s Obsidian Sideshow & Maelstrom Festival, where the love of Elric and Helle will cause dominions to fall and tragedy and death be left in their wake.

How You Can Get a Job at Walt Disney Studios Without a College Degree
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Working for Walt Disney is a childhood dream, shared by millions of people, from all across the world. Since the founding of the studios in 1923, only a small fraction of individuals have ever experienced the bliss of making that dream coming true.

After working at the illustrious Studio for more than 6 years, author Eric Muss-Barnes shares his story of how that wish-upon-a-star came true for him, starting from humble beginnings in a bluecollar family in Ohio.

Told with warmth and humor, you learn every job, every experience, every career move he made. Starting from his childhood paper route during Cleveland blizzards, he explains how he journeyed all the way to sitting with Minnie Mouse, as a Cast Member, at the Disney Studio lot, on a warm Summer day.

How You Can Get a Job at Walt Disney Studios Without a College Degree is not merely about landing a job at Disney. Rather, it’s a tale regaling every trial and tribulation which lead Eric to Los Angeles, told in the hopes of inspiring you to continue the pursuit of your own dreams, whatever they may be.

You still have time to make your dream come true too. It’s never too late.

As Jiminy Cricket promised, if your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme...

The Page of Wands
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Legend has it, an ancient walking staff, known as “The Wand”, first presented itself to old widow McCreadle, along with The Three Rules.

1. You may use the magic wand for 3 days.
2. You may only use it in your profession.
3. You must secretly bequeath it to an anonymous stranger.

As the power of The Wand is entrusted from one Los Angeles resident to the next, randomly falling into the hands of noble and corrupt citizens alike, the city is brought to both bliss and ruin. But, when things finally spiral out of control in neighborhoods infested with aliens, dragons, dinosaurs, and superheroes, can a misfit group of townspeople set the world right again, before The Wand must be passed on once more?

Grandpa Steiner Saves the World (from Illegal Aliens (from Space))
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Grandpa Steiner offends everyone. He doesn’t mean to. It just happens. During his youth, his attitudes were commonplace and perfectly acceptable. As the conventions of society change around him, and more and more of his opinions become derided as obsolete, Grandpa Steiner decides to start a blog, to vent his frustrations upon the Internet.

Little does Grandpa Steiner know, when a race of space aliens secretly decide to obliterate mankind, they regard his blog as the only redeeming quality of humanity. Grandpa Steiner inadvertently causes the aliens to reconsider, thereby sparing the world from annihilation.

But when his popular essays cause a media backlash and his family convinces Grandpa Steiner to stop his politically incorrect rants, will the prevailing “culture of damn sissies” spell doom for the Earth?

Schooling Your Boss To Not Suck
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Schooling Your Boss to not Suck takes a fun and sarcastic journey into tales of horrible bosses. There are countless books on improving the workplace, but nothing quite like this.

Is your boss a supervillain? Need a superhero to straighten him out? Instead of being written by another stuffy “expert”, author Eric Muss-Barnes (who barely squeaked out of high school, let alone finished college), offers a lighthearted slant on leadership from the viewpoint of the common worker.

True stories. Real experiences. No silly parables here, folks. No “puppydogs and rainbows” like those other motivational books. Just genuine events of piss and vinegar from the American middleclass workplace.

Eric is just an Average Joe, like yourself, telling it like it is. If your boss sincerely wants to learn how to motivate and inspire the people, it’s time the boss stopped listening to other leaders and started listening to what regular people like you have to say. It’s time someone stood tall, whipped off those mild-mannered glasses, and schooled your boss on how to not suck!

Forever Loving You
by Eric Muss-Barnes

Years ago, after author Eric Muss-Barnes had the cover photo for this book taken, a friend ridiculed him and said, “Who do you think you are, Michael Bolton? This looks like a cover for an album of rock ballads. ’Eric Muss-Barnes, Forever Loving You!’” Twenty years later, instead of an album cover, it became a book cover for a compilation of cheesy lovepoems.

Colophon

Printed Editions Colophon

• Mead 8.5” by 11” College Ruled 200 Sheet 5 Subject Notebooks
• Bic Fine Point Metal Roller Pens (Black Ink)
Forever Loving You was originally written by hand, in notebooks, and later typed into a word processor.

• Canon StarWriter 30
In 1996, I borrowed a Canon word-processor from John Rozack, the uncle of my gradeschool friend, Mike. While converting my first novel, The Gothic Rainbow, into the word-processor for 3 weeks, typing 16 to 20 hours a day, I also entered all the entries for this poetry book. I was only able to view my progress using a 12-line LCD screen.

• HP Pavilion dm3t Notebook PC (3GB RAM / 160GB SSD)
• Windows 7 Professional 64-Bit OS
This entire book was composed and laid out on a solid-state laptop computer system in my bedroom using the original .TXT files from the Canon StarWriter 30.

• EmEditor Professional 4.13
• Open Office 3.2.0
Plain text of the initial draft was started and converted using EmEditor. That allowed me to tweak all the odd spacing from the original text. After I did that draft, I moved into Open Office for the final formatting.

• Adobe Photoshop CS2
The cover was designed in Photoshop, using a photograph I took in the summer of 1993 at Brecksville Metroparks. The photograph was shot by my friend Mike Rozack Jr. and was originally intended to be part of my application to star in the second season of The Real World on MTV. I never got on the show.

• Fonts: Garamond, Freebooter Script, Segoe Print
The prologue text of the book uses a font called “Garamond” which is the same font used in this paragraph. The poems use a font called “Segoe Print” and the cover title is written in “Freebooter Script”.

eBook Editions Colophon

• HP Vostro 400 Desktop PC
• Windows XP Professional OS
The eBook editions were created on a desktop computer, converted from the original Open Office .ODT files used in the printed version of the book.

• EmEditor Professional 4.13
• WinZip 9.0
In order to make the book available to readers digitally, the original Open Office .ODT files were rebuilt as an .EPUB file. Being an experienced web developer, I engineered and constructed the .EPUB files by hand - coding all of the CSS, XHTML, OPF and NCX files in a plain text editor. Once that was complete, I used WinZip to package my .EPUB file which was then quadruple-validated against epubcheck 3.0, and epubpreflight 0.1.0, and Sigil 0.6.2, and finally in Flight Crew 0.7.2.

• Kindlegen 2.7
Using the command-line utility KindleGen, I converted my .EPUB file into .MOBI format for sale and distribution online using Amazon and other .MOBI-based eReader systems.